June 26, 2013

Finding correlations between mood and diet and accomplishments = more than anything, self control/discipline. The more I stick to my diet or accomplish my goals, the better I feel that day and the next but it only lasts one to 2 days. Then if I dropped the ball-i.e., eat excessively, drink excessively, skip work for Jim-the shittier I feel about myself. Feel-good factors:

• disciplined eating
• Eating before 8 PM (results in improved sleep too) 
• working and training hard
• sticking to my diet
• helping others

Recently been falling off all the wagons–gym, eating, working. Losing motivation fast. Need to recharge, re-energize, but how? It used to be that I would look forward to the weekend and the weekend would re-energize me. Whether getting drunk with friends, hanging out with my girlfriend– I would be refreshed and satisfied by Monday. I no longer get that recharge. I have no friends, no woman, I don't enjoy drinking as much as before. I'm burned out and don't know how to recharge. How much further can I go on fumes? What do I change to re-energize? My tank is empty and no gas stations in sight. Have never felt so tired and sick of it all. Don't know how to ask for help. Help! The little I can do is discipline myself to stick to healthy diet/exercise/work hard. Is this how or why workaholics are formed?

Parado 80/20

Jan 23, 2013

Yesterday I made the mistake of talking to my ex, B**********, again. I caved. Good intentions to iron things out and plan to-dos turned quickly into her telling me how extremely selfish I am for not helping her move out of this shit hole--the same shit hole I tried to discourage her from moving into in the first place. A shit hole that depresses me. My reasons for not wanting to help her is that I don't want to see her because it would ignite painful memories and I would be a mess for days again as I was the last couples times we met.
After listening to her tell me that "you're the most selfish person I know" and that my reasons for moving to stay at a family friend's is because "I need a mother" and "Im a prince". At this point I hung up on her and texted back that I can only chat via text/email from now on. She is unable to control herself when she feels justified. Although I am a selfish person, it is something that I'm trying to change. She assumed Im selfish because I wouldn't help her move and instead asked me friend * to her her. But she would accept that my reason was that I couldn't see her. As for the needing a mother around, I really don't understand where she gets this from. Ive been living far away from family for almost 10 years--I never understood this opinion of hers. Do I need family and support now? Yes, because I'm going through hard times with this divorce and move to new city. But even now, I keep my distance from everyone for the most part.
After the talk with B, I became depressed again. The rest of the day I was sluggish, un productive loser, getting perhaps a total of 4 hours of work in. Im fully behind and my work with a client is ending, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. I don't have the energy to do everything. Perhaps I don't know how to maintain work/life balance.
When I work too much, I burn out, then productivity drops. If I play too much, then productivity drops (needless to say), and I scramble to do something. And sometimes when I play (to restore balance)--like the past weekend when sis and her bf went to pubs/clubs--the balance is not restored.
Maybe my subconscious is telling me to change something, to do things differently?