June 21, 2013

Last few days started feeling very depressed again and started to eat late, snacking insistently. Feel like shit due to a combination of the over heating/snacking and weather and loneliness. Self-confidence not improving. Weight going back up again. Possible causes: Break my first early lately(?), eating late, poor sleep. Feel like Im always taking one step forward and two steps back--too easy to take back steps forward steps getting easier. Correlation between mood/self-esteem and self control/discipline. When I'm eating healthy, tracking food, waking early, working hard-I feel better physically and emotionally. Solution: return to control heating eating and stop eating late.

Realize impatients is another cause of these feelings. Part of the anxiety or depression is due to unfinished projects or work, which I think is the result of my deliberate delays. If a project is big and requires much time/steps, the fact that I can't finish it sooner ( i.e., my impatience ) leads me to major procrastination, which leads to delays = Anxiety = Depression + Negative self talk. Solution: recognize this anxiety during big projects and reverses with positive talk + realization that anxiety is false.

Jan 23, 2013

Yesterday I made the mistake of talking to my ex, B**********, again. I caved. Good intentions to iron things out and plan to-dos turned quickly into her telling me how extremely selfish I am for not helping her move out of this shit hole--the same shit hole I tried to discourage her from moving into in the first place. A shit hole that depresses me. My reasons for not wanting to help her is that I don't want to see her because it would ignite painful memories and I would be a mess for days again as I was the last couples times we met.
After listening to her tell me that "you're the most selfish person I know" and that my reasons for moving to stay at a family friend's is because "I need a mother" and "Im a prince". At this point I hung up on her and texted back that I can only chat via text/email from now on. She is unable to control herself when she feels justified. Although I am a selfish person, it is something that I'm trying to change. She assumed Im selfish because I wouldn't help her move and instead asked me friend * to her her. But she would accept that my reason was that I couldn't see her. As for the needing a mother around, I really don't understand where she gets this from. Ive been living far away from family for almost 10 years--I never understood this opinion of hers. Do I need family and support now? Yes, because I'm going through hard times with this divorce and move to new city. But even now, I keep my distance from everyone for the most part.
After the talk with B, I became depressed again. The rest of the day I was sluggish, un productive loser, getting perhaps a total of 4 hours of work in. Im fully behind and my work with a client is ending, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. I don't have the energy to do everything. Perhaps I don't know how to maintain work/life balance.
When I work too much, I burn out, then productivity drops. If I play too much, then productivity drops (needless to say), and I scramble to do something. And sometimes when I play (to restore balance)--like the past weekend when sis and her bf went to pubs/clubs--the balance is not restored.
Maybe my subconscious is telling me to change something, to do things differently?