July 1, 2013

My friend's birthday this past Friday. His new wife has been giving me a cold shoulder all night, not a hello or how if you been. Nothing at all. And so I retaliated by doing the same back and ignoring her. Childish game that never ends well. I've asked my friend if there was a reason for her cool attitude but got no response. I suggested that I need to know so I can fix problem or apologize for any wrong I may have committed that I wasn't aware of. Am I supposed to figure it out on my own? So fucking childish. I wish I could say to my friends wife: "Grow up and tell me what the problem is so we can resolve it and move forward." Reminds me of my ex-wife, who played passive aggressive games also. They always fail.

June 29, 2013

I don't know where to begin complaining today, in this journal: my weight? Confidence? Finances? I'm sick of complaining. The purpose of complaining is what exactly? To garner sympathy from others? Support? In the form of agreement? And how does complaining help anyone? It is cathartic to express one's pain or discomfort, but unless you're seeking help from whomever you're complaining to, it's wasted air; and worse, people don't want to be associated, nevermind befriended, by complainers. So why do I do it? I've proven countless times in retrospect, that it never pays off. So should I stop entirely, or ease into it. God knows cold turkey usually fails. Slowly hold back when the urge to share problems arise. Shift the complaint to a question, if indeed it's a complaint worth resolving. If it isn't– if it's some menial thing like the weather or taxes – try to be conscious of this and change the subject entirely, or refocus onto the other person.

I'm no longer seeking a pat on the back in the form of shallow short-lived approval from others. I'm seeking instead a true interest and trusting me. The more interest you show in someone else, the more interested they'll be in you. Shift for me to you.