July 12, 2013

Last weekend, H***** stayed over on a visit to my city for a recent new job training program. His energy and enthusiasm were through the roof for reasons I believe to be him getting a high paying job. He'd say things like, "I think they're fast tracking me to an executive role..."while, in the same breath, explaining perks such as "They're putting me up at the Best Western." Funny, but I don't have the required cruelty to snap someone back to reality that if they were serious about his as an executive, the Best Western would not be a good choice. Doesn't matter. Let him bask in his seeming glory and "fast track" bullshit. he wanted to celebrate so I agreed, reluctantly, to go to a local bar for a few drinks. When we got there, around midnight, the place was packed with sweaty cow people and my energy, excitement did not match theirs. It was quite the opposite in fact, given that I was still somewhat hungover from the prior night with my friend P******** and his wife.

Upon realizing that I was not in the mood to party after I wouldn't dance with him (he was actually trying to pull me by the wrist into the dance floor--easily the gayest thing he could have done in a cowboy bar), we left. The next day, he continued with his self assured, high flying attitude and I realized something Ive denied before: he is (or feels a need to be) controlling of every situation. And he needs to interrupt you to correct your idea or whatever--this he would do all the time and I would countless times have to stop him to explain that I hadn't finished speaking. His arrogance and rudeness would drive me annoyed and distant, and after bumping heads several times, I now avoid him and don't really care to work with him. As an investment partner, he talks big, but then he has no personal business experience so I can't take him seriously. I'll always listen to reason and logic, but without experience to back it up, it's hard to do. Im at a point where I am not sure if his negative qualities are worth putting up with to do business. And where in the past Id probably make this more apparent, now Ill just shrug it off and do my own thing anyway without him. Maybe he's going thru a stage, and in fairness, maybe Im also going through something, so perhaps Im overly sensitive to what others would overlook as minor or a non issue.

June 29, 2013

I don't know where to begin complaining today, in this journal: my weight? Confidence? Finances? I'm sick of complaining. The purpose of complaining is what exactly? To garner sympathy from others? Support? In the form of agreement? And how does complaining help anyone? It is cathartic to express one's pain or discomfort, but unless you're seeking help from whomever you're complaining to, it's wasted air; and worse, people don't want to be associated, nevermind befriended, by complainers. So why do I do it? I've proven countless times in retrospect, that it never pays off. So should I stop entirely, or ease into it. God knows cold turkey usually fails. Slowly hold back when the urge to share problems arise. Shift the complaint to a question, if indeed it's a complaint worth resolving. If it isn't– if it's some menial thing like the weather or taxes – try to be conscious of this and change the subject entirely, or refocus onto the other person.

I'm no longer seeking a pat on the back in the form of shallow short-lived approval from others. I'm seeking instead a true interest and trusting me. The more interest you show in someone else, the more interested they'll be in you. Shift for me to you.