Jan 23, 2013

Yesterday I made the mistake of talking to my ex, B**********, again. I caved. Good intentions to iron things out and plan to-dos turned quickly into her telling me how extremely selfish I am for not helping her move out of this shit hole--the same shit hole I tried to discourage her from moving into in the first place. A shit hole that depresses me. My reasons for not wanting to help her is that I don't want to see her because it would ignite painful memories and I would be a mess for days again as I was the last couples times we met.
After listening to her tell me that "you're the most selfish person I know" and that my reasons for moving to stay at a family friend's is because "I need a mother" and "Im a prince". At this point I hung up on her and texted back that I can only chat via text/email from now on. She is unable to control herself when she feels justified. Although I am a selfish person, it is something that I'm trying to change. She assumed Im selfish because I wouldn't help her move and instead asked me friend * to her her. But she would accept that my reason was that I couldn't see her. As for the needing a mother around, I really don't understand where she gets this from. Ive been living far away from family for almost 10 years--I never understood this opinion of hers. Do I need family and support now? Yes, because I'm going through hard times with this divorce and move to new city. But even now, I keep my distance from everyone for the most part.
After the talk with B, I became depressed again. The rest of the day I was sluggish, un productive loser, getting perhaps a total of 4 hours of work in. Im fully behind and my work with a client is ending, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. I don't have the energy to do everything. Perhaps I don't know how to maintain work/life balance.
When I work too much, I burn out, then productivity drops. If I play too much, then productivity drops (needless to say), and I scramble to do something. And sometimes when I play (to restore balance)--like the past weekend when sis and her bf went to pubs/clubs--the balance is not restored.
Maybe my subconscious is telling me to change something, to do things differently?

January 2, 2013 (First journal entry)

A couple years ago, I split with my wife. Of over 7 years, the last two were miserable. It wasn't that we argued all the time, but we simply weren't happy together. In fact, we hadn't had sex in over two years--a huge red flag by any account.

I'll admit that although the act of splitting wasn't difficult, being suddenly alone was horrific. I would liken the feeling of suddenly being single after 7 years of sharing a bed with someone to going through withdrawal (although never having gone through drug/substance withdrawal, I can only assume the feeling is similar).

During this time I looked for guidance online in blogs, forums, and books. I came upon a book that helped and I would recommend it to anyone suffering through a recent or past breakup: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You .

In it, the author discusses various ways of dealing with urges to re-initiate contact with an ex as well as other topics including negative self talk. The following notes are taken from my journal entry during the reading of the book. Please note that these are directly from my physical journal and aren't always orderly or linear:

Date of entry: early January 2013

Recover

Be proactive and have preplanned series of steps to take when the urge to contact your ex arises:

1. walk the dog
2. make tea
3. meditate
4. etc

Then state your positive affirmations.

• journal
• positive affirmation
• take breaks
• do something nice for yourself at least 1 night a week

Journaling

One of the most vital parts of healing. A powerful tool. Write your observations. Make it part of your everyday life.

How: write how you're feeling, what you are doing, etc.

Affirmations + positive self talk > Do them daily.

A happy life starts with good self esteem. Divorce takes a hit on your self esteem.

Negative self talk is destructive and must stop. But life abhors a vacuum, so you can't just stop, but rather replace it with positive self talk--aka affirmations. Not all of them work. But if done correctly, very powerful. They feed your subconscious mind. It responds well to visualization and repetition. Must plant seeds repeatedly and consistently several times a day. But the good news is that once programmed, it will be hard to de-program.

Several ways to do affirmations:

1. Spontaneous Interruption Affirmations. This is used when you catch yourself berating yourself or buying into someone else criticism of you. How to do it:
1. Identify the criticism. For example, "Im so ugly."
2. Catch yourself and say "Stop. I'm handsome!"
2. Proactive Affirmations. 3 types:
1. Self Soothing Affirmation: something you already believe about yourself. Acknowledge growth: "I am healing", "I work hard and enjoy the reward".
2. Image Improvement Affirmation: Changes what to see in yourself in the days and weeks ahead: "I am confident".
3. Action Affirmation: Goals/habits you want to break or start.

How to start

1. Observation. Stop your negative self talk. Listen, really listen, and write it down in your journal.
2. Change. For each negative, change to positive. 

Your subconscious is like like a small child who only understands here and now. The subconscious does not recognize what is not there. It does not comprehend the words not, don't, or can't. But it does hear the other words. So when you say:

I am not a smoker.

your subconscious removes the "not" and only hears:

I am a smoker.

The following example clarifies. Try this:

Do not to think of an elephant. 

Now, are you not thinking of the thing I asked you not to think of? If you're like most people, it's all but impossible not to think of it. Despite telling yourself not to.

Present. The subconscious only recognizes the present. So avoid: "I am going to...", "I will...", "I should...", "I could...", etc. Instead use "I am..."

Make it your own. Here are some of my affirmations:

I have a great smile and kissable mouth

I have a kissable smile

I am fit and eat healthy food 

I have loving people in my life

I treat myself with care and respect

I write things down to remember

I pay attention to people and books

7 to 12 everyday for 30 minutes.

While saying the affirmations, you must visualize your new positive self image. Imagine them coming true. This kickstarts your subconscious mind into believing it, and with time, hopefully you reprogram yourself.

(end of entry)

Please share your thoughts in comments below!