July 12, 2013

Last weekend, H***** stayed over on a visit to my city for a recent new job training program. His energy and enthusiasm were through the roof for reasons I believe to be him getting a high paying job. He'd say things like, "I think they're fast tracking me to an executive role..."while, in the same breath, explaining perks such as "They're putting me up at the Best Western." Funny, but I don't have the required cruelty to snap someone back to reality that if they were serious about his as an executive, the Best Western would not be a good choice. Doesn't matter. Let him bask in his seeming glory and "fast track" bullshit. he wanted to celebrate so I agreed, reluctantly, to go to a local bar for a few drinks. When we got there, around midnight, the place was packed with sweaty cow people and my energy, excitement did not match theirs. It was quite the opposite in fact, given that I was still somewhat hungover from the prior night with my friend P******** and his wife.

Upon realizing that I was not in the mood to party after I wouldn't dance with him (he was actually trying to pull me by the wrist into the dance floor--easily the gayest thing he could have done in a cowboy bar), we left. The next day, he continued with his self assured, high flying attitude and I realized something Ive denied before: he is (or feels a need to be) controlling of every situation. And he needs to interrupt you to correct your idea or whatever--this he would do all the time and I would countless times have to stop him to explain that I hadn't finished speaking. His arrogance and rudeness would drive me annoyed and distant, and after bumping heads several times, I now avoid him and don't really care to work with him. As an investment partner, he talks big, but then he has no personal business experience so I can't take him seriously. I'll always listen to reason and logic, but without experience to back it up, it's hard to do. Im at a point where I am not sure if his negative qualities are worth putting up with to do business. And where in the past Id probably make this more apparent, now Ill just shrug it off and do my own thing anyway without him. Maybe he's going thru a stage, and in fairness, maybe Im also going through something, so perhaps Im overly sensitive to what others would overlook as minor or a non issue.

July 3, 2013

Had an interesting thought last night: happiness as a result of transitioning from fear to comfort.

Fear ----------------> Comfort
           happiness

This thought came to me after watching the documentary:"Happy." (If you haven't seen this documentary, stop everything you're doing and watch it now. It's hands down the best documentary I've ever seen.) The studies in the film claims that 50% of happiness is genetic and that whenever we experience particularly happy or sad emotions, we should settle back to our "happiness setpoint." 10% of happiness is based on circumstances of our lives: status, stuff, money, career. And the remaining 40% is the part that we have control over.

This 40% is influenced mostly by the following factors which make people the happiest: physical exercise which releases dopamine in the brain, being close with friends and family, laughing, being in the flow which is to lose yourself in an activity or hobby that makes you happy, community is also one of the top factors which is to be close and help others, helping friends and strangers, expressing gratitude.

Also, extrinsic factors--looks, money, fame, things, and anything outside of ourselves--are trumped by intrinsic factors which are internal such as peace and happiness.

Compassion meditation is also supposed to help–something I'll try to incorporate in my meditation practice.

"Making money is happiness. And that's a great incentive… but making other people happy is super– happiness." - Video of Nobel Prize winner Muhammad Yunus receiving the Forbes Philanthropy Summit Award.

Fast forward to 11:02 or click here:

July 1, 2013

My friend's birthday this past Friday. His new wife has been giving me a cold shoulder all night, not a hello or how if you been. Nothing at all. And so I retaliated by doing the same back and ignoring her. Childish game that never ends well. I've asked my friend if there was a reason for her cool attitude but got no response. I suggested that I need to know so I can fix problem or apologize for any wrong I may have committed that I wasn't aware of. Am I supposed to figure it out on my own? So fucking childish. I wish I could say to my friends wife: "Grow up and tell me what the problem is so we can resolve it and move forward." Reminds me of my ex-wife, who played passive aggressive games also. They always fail.

June 29, 2013

I don't know where to begin complaining today, in this journal: my weight? Confidence? Finances? I'm sick of complaining. The purpose of complaining is what exactly? To garner sympathy from others? Support? In the form of agreement? And how does complaining help anyone? It is cathartic to express one's pain or discomfort, but unless you're seeking help from whomever you're complaining to, it's wasted air; and worse, people don't want to be associated, nevermind befriended, by complainers. So why do I do it? I've proven countless times in retrospect, that it never pays off. So should I stop entirely, or ease into it. God knows cold turkey usually fails. Slowly hold back when the urge to share problems arise. Shift the complaint to a question, if indeed it's a complaint worth resolving. If it isn't– if it's some menial thing like the weather or taxes – try to be conscious of this and change the subject entirely, or refocus onto the other person.

I'm no longer seeking a pat on the back in the form of shallow short-lived approval from others. I'm seeking instead a true interest and trusting me. The more interest you show in someone else, the more interested they'll be in you. Shift for me to you.

June 26, 2013

Finding correlations between mood and diet and accomplishments = more than anything, self control/discipline. The more I stick to my diet or accomplish my goals, the better I feel that day and the next but it only lasts one to 2 days. Then if I dropped the ball-i.e., eat excessively, drink excessively, skip work for Jim-the shittier I feel about myself. Feel-good factors:

• disciplined eating
• Eating before 8 PM (results in improved sleep too) 
• working and training hard
• sticking to my diet
• helping others

Recently been falling off all the wagons–gym, eating, working. Losing motivation fast. Need to recharge, re-energize, but how? It used to be that I would look forward to the weekend and the weekend would re-energize me. Whether getting drunk with friends, hanging out with my girlfriend– I would be refreshed and satisfied by Monday. I no longer get that recharge. I have no friends, no woman, I don't enjoy drinking as much as before. I'm burned out and don't know how to recharge. How much further can I go on fumes? What do I change to re-energize? My tank is empty and no gas stations in sight. Have never felt so tired and sick of it all. Don't know how to ask for help. Help! The little I can do is discipline myself to stick to healthy diet/exercise/work hard. Is this how or why workaholics are formed?

Parado 80/20

June 21, 2013

Last few days started feeling very depressed again and started to eat late, snacking insistently. Feel like shit due to a combination of the over heating/snacking and weather and loneliness. Self-confidence not improving. Weight going back up again. Possible causes: Break my first early lately(?), eating late, poor sleep. Feel like Im always taking one step forward and two steps back--too easy to take back steps forward steps getting easier. Correlation between mood/self-esteem and self control/discipline. When I'm eating healthy, tracking food, waking early, working hard-I feel better physically and emotionally. Solution: return to control heating eating and stop eating late.

Realize impatients is another cause of these feelings. Part of the anxiety or depression is due to unfinished projects or work, which I think is the result of my deliberate delays. If a project is big and requires much time/steps, the fact that I can't finish it sooner ( i.e., my impatience ) leads me to major procrastination, which leads to delays = Anxiety = Depression + Negative self talk. Solution: recognize this anxiety during big projects and reverses with positive talk + realization that anxiety is false.

May 17, 2013

Quit noting(?) diet, went to Costa Rica for 3 weeks, started clenbuterol, and have yet to "figure out" next steps. Not entirely true. Doing books to submit tax returns so I can finally get mortgage. Living in this basement is not working out very well. No sunlight and have been sick with flu like symptoms that I'm guessing are due to mold or air born bacteria in the basement. Feel better when I leave, and shitty each morning. Need a doctor to do blood test to find if anything is wrong.
Divorce is stalled. B wants me to show all financial records. She didn't believe that I sold stocks to pay bills--which I did--but thinks I gifted the money and am therefore guilty of fraudulent conveyance. She's so relentless.

Jan 23, 2013

Yesterday I made the mistake of talking to my ex, B**********, again. I caved. Good intentions to iron things out and plan to-dos turned quickly into her telling me how extremely selfish I am for not helping her move out of this shit hole--the same shit hole I tried to discourage her from moving into in the first place. A shit hole that depresses me. My reasons for not wanting to help her is that I don't want to see her because it would ignite painful memories and I would be a mess for days again as I was the last couples times we met.
After listening to her tell me that "you're the most selfish person I know" and that my reasons for moving to stay at a family friend's is because "I need a mother" and "Im a prince". At this point I hung up on her and texted back that I can only chat via text/email from now on. She is unable to control herself when she feels justified. Although I am a selfish person, it is something that I'm trying to change. She assumed Im selfish because I wouldn't help her move and instead asked me friend * to her her. But she would accept that my reason was that I couldn't see her. As for the needing a mother around, I really don't understand where she gets this from. Ive been living far away from family for almost 10 years--I never understood this opinion of hers. Do I need family and support now? Yes, because I'm going through hard times with this divorce and move to new city. But even now, I keep my distance from everyone for the most part.
After the talk with B, I became depressed again. The rest of the day I was sluggish, un productive loser, getting perhaps a total of 4 hours of work in. Im fully behind and my work with a client is ending, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. I don't have the energy to do everything. Perhaps I don't know how to maintain work/life balance.
When I work too much, I burn out, then productivity drops. If I play too much, then productivity drops (needless to say), and I scramble to do something. And sometimes when I play (to restore balance)--like the past weekend when sis and her bf went to pubs/clubs--the balance is not restored.
Maybe my subconscious is telling me to change something, to do things differently?

January 2, 2013 (First journal entry)

A couple years ago, I split with my wife. Of over 7 years, the last two were miserable. It wasn't that we argued all the time, but we simply weren't happy together. In fact, we hadn't had sex in over two years--a huge red flag by any account.

I'll admit that although the act of splitting wasn't difficult, being suddenly alone was horrific. I would liken the feeling of suddenly being single after 7 years of sharing a bed with someone to going through withdrawal (although never having gone through drug/substance withdrawal, I can only assume the feeling is similar).

During this time I looked for guidance online in blogs, forums, and books. I came upon a book that helped and I would recommend it to anyone suffering through a recent or past breakup: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You .

In it, the author discusses various ways of dealing with urges to re-initiate contact with an ex as well as other topics including negative self talk. The following notes are taken from my journal entry during the reading of the book. Please note that these are directly from my physical journal and aren't always orderly or linear:

Date of entry: early January 2013

Recover

Be proactive and have preplanned series of steps to take when the urge to contact your ex arises:

1. walk the dog
2. make tea
3. meditate
4. etc

Then state your positive affirmations.

• journal
• positive affirmation
• take breaks
• do something nice for yourself at least 1 night a week

Journaling

One of the most vital parts of healing. A powerful tool. Write your observations. Make it part of your everyday life.

How: write how you're feeling, what you are doing, etc.

Affirmations + positive self talk > Do them daily.

A happy life starts with good self esteem. Divorce takes a hit on your self esteem.

Negative self talk is destructive and must stop. But life abhors a vacuum, so you can't just stop, but rather replace it with positive self talk--aka affirmations. Not all of them work. But if done correctly, very powerful. They feed your subconscious mind. It responds well to visualization and repetition. Must plant seeds repeatedly and consistently several times a day. But the good news is that once programmed, it will be hard to de-program.

Several ways to do affirmations:

1. Spontaneous Interruption Affirmations. This is used when you catch yourself berating yourself or buying into someone else criticism of you. How to do it:
1. Identify the criticism. For example, "Im so ugly."
2. Catch yourself and say "Stop. I'm handsome!"
2. Proactive Affirmations. 3 types:
1. Self Soothing Affirmation: something you already believe about yourself. Acknowledge growth: "I am healing", "I work hard and enjoy the reward".
2. Image Improvement Affirmation: Changes what to see in yourself in the days and weeks ahead: "I am confident".
3. Action Affirmation: Goals/habits you want to break or start.

How to start

1. Observation. Stop your negative self talk. Listen, really listen, and write it down in your journal.
2. Change. For each negative, change to positive. 

Your subconscious is like like a small child who only understands here and now. The subconscious does not recognize what is not there. It does not comprehend the words not, don't, or can't. But it does hear the other words. So when you say:

I am not a smoker.

your subconscious removes the "not" and only hears:

I am a smoker.

The following example clarifies. Try this:

Do not to think of an elephant. 

Now, are you not thinking of the thing I asked you not to think of? If you're like most people, it's all but impossible not to think of it. Despite telling yourself not to.

Present. The subconscious only recognizes the present. So avoid: "I am going to...", "I will...", "I should...", "I could...", etc. Instead use "I am..."

Make it your own. Here are some of my affirmations:

I have a great smile and kissable mouth

I have a kissable smile

I am fit and eat healthy food 

I have loving people in my life

I treat myself with care and respect

I write things down to remember

I pay attention to people and books

7 to 12 everyday for 30 minutes.

While saying the affirmations, you must visualize your new positive self image. Imagine them coming true. This kickstarts your subconscious mind into believing it, and with time, hopefully you reprogram yourself.

(end of entry)

Please share your thoughts in comments below!