I am enough

I am enough. Perhaps more, but not less. I am enough for others and for myself. And I deserve happiness, love, success as much as you or anyone else. I deserve to breath air as much as any other human does. I am enough of a good person to deserve the same as anyone else. I am enough.

Quote

"A man of True Confidence doesn’t try to control but rather gives up control. He understands that the world isn’t about him and that all he can control is himself and his own actions. He’s not bothered when things don’t go his way or when people don’t recognize him as being amazing because he already feels amazing himself. He doesn’t need their approval and their disapproval doesn’t phase him from his mission." 

- Mark Manson. Models: Attract Women Through Honesty  

Why Mirror Man?

When I was thinking about a title for this blog, I wanted a name that reflected the core of my conflict, or at least a recurring theme.  The thought that keeps returning when thinking about my depression is one related to body image, specifically how I see myself, physically and otherwise.

A part of my depression stems from struggling relationships, and for reasons I've yet to figure out, those struggles are due in part to my own interpretation of the interaction with that person as it relates to my body image: whether it's me analyzing myself physically (what do they think of my appearance? am I ugly when I speak? why am I ashamed to laugh?) or verbally (did I say something stupid? did they misunderstand me?).

It's as if I'm seeing myself in mirror when talking to someone, analyzing myself through their reaction of me. Hence, Mirror Man. And to be clear, my torso isn't the "body image" focus but rather my face. I do see them, but a part of my consciousness is devoted to focusing on their micro (and macro) reactions to me. This makes engaging and remembering the details of our conversation difficult. It's only when I feel good about myself that I am able to engage. And that's rare.

The medical name for this is called "Body Dysmorphic Disorder." I will delve into this topic and share my personal experiences on this blog.

Can you relate? How do you deal with your body image disorder?

How to read this journal

Although this journal was written a couple years back in a paper book, I'm adding them here and as I do, I'll be setting the date of the entries to the original date so that you'll see more populate below in time.
But in the meantime, I need encouragement so please do leave your thoughts/feedback in the comments!

July 12, 2013

Last weekend, H***** stayed over on a visit to my city for a recent new job training program. His energy and enthusiasm were through the roof for reasons I believe to be him getting a high paying job. He'd say things like, "I think they're fast tracking me to an executive role..."while, in the same breath, explaining perks such as "They're putting me up at the Best Western." Funny, but I don't have the required cruelty to snap someone back to reality that if they were serious about his as an executive, the Best Western would not be a good choice. Doesn't matter. Let him bask in his seeming glory and "fast track" bullshit. he wanted to celebrate so I agreed, reluctantly, to go to a local bar for a few drinks. When we got there, around midnight, the place was packed with sweaty cow people and my energy, excitement did not match theirs. It was quite the opposite in fact, given that I was still somewhat hungover from the prior night with my friend P******** and his wife.

Upon realizing that I was not in the mood to party after I wouldn't dance with him (he was actually trying to pull me by the wrist into the dance floor--easily the gayest thing he could have done in a cowboy bar), we left. The next day, he continued with his self assured, high flying attitude and I realized something Ive denied before: he is (or feels a need to be) controlling of every situation. And he needs to interrupt you to correct your idea or whatever--this he would do all the time and I would countless times have to stop him to explain that I hadn't finished speaking. His arrogance and rudeness would drive me annoyed and distant, and after bumping heads several times, I now avoid him and don't really care to work with him. As an investment partner, he talks big, but then he has no personal business experience so I can't take him seriously. I'll always listen to reason and logic, but without experience to back it up, it's hard to do. Im at a point where I am not sure if his negative qualities are worth putting up with to do business. And where in the past Id probably make this more apparent, now Ill just shrug it off and do my own thing anyway without him. Maybe he's going thru a stage, and in fairness, maybe Im also going through something, so perhaps Im overly sensitive to what others would overlook as minor or a non issue.

July 3, 2013

Had an interesting thought last night: happiness as a result of transitioning from fear to comfort.

Fear ----------------> Comfort
           happiness

This thought came to me after watching the documentary:"Happy." (If you haven't seen this documentary, stop everything you're doing and watch it now. It's hands down the best documentary I've ever seen.) The studies in the film claims that 50% of happiness is genetic and that whenever we experience particularly happy or sad emotions, we should settle back to our "happiness setpoint." 10% of happiness is based on circumstances of our lives: status, stuff, money, career. And the remaining 40% is the part that we have control over.

This 40% is influenced mostly by the following factors which make people the happiest: physical exercise which releases dopamine in the brain, being close with friends and family, laughing, being in the flow which is to lose yourself in an activity or hobby that makes you happy, community is also one of the top factors which is to be close and help others, helping friends and strangers, expressing gratitude.

Also, extrinsic factors--looks, money, fame, things, and anything outside of ourselves--are trumped by intrinsic factors which are internal such as peace and happiness.

Compassion meditation is also supposed to help–something I'll try to incorporate in my meditation practice.

"Making money is happiness. And that's a great incentive… but making other people happy is super– happiness." - Video of Nobel Prize winner Muhammad Yunus receiving the Forbes Philanthropy Summit Award.

Fast forward to 11:02 or click here:

July 1, 2013

My friend's birthday this past Friday. His new wife has been giving me a cold shoulder all night, not a hello or how if you been. Nothing at all. And so I retaliated by doing the same back and ignoring her. Childish game that never ends well. I've asked my friend if there was a reason for her cool attitude but got no response. I suggested that I need to know so I can fix problem or apologize for any wrong I may have committed that I wasn't aware of. Am I supposed to figure it out on my own? So fucking childish. I wish I could say to my friends wife: "Grow up and tell me what the problem is so we can resolve it and move forward." Reminds me of my ex-wife, who played passive aggressive games also. They always fail.