When I was thinking about a title for this blog, I wanted a name that reflected the core of my conflict, or at least a recurring theme. The thought that keeps returning when thinking about my depression is one related to body image, specifically how I see myself, physically and otherwise.
A part of my depression stems from struggling relationships, and for reasons I've yet to figure out, those struggles are due in part to my own interpretation of the interaction with that person as it relates to my body image: whether it's me analyzing myself physically (what do they think of my appearance? am I ugly when I speak? why am I ashamed to laugh?) or verbally (did I say something stupid? did they misunderstand me?).
It's as if I'm seeing myself in mirror when talking to someone, analyzing myself through their reaction of me. Hence, Mirror Man. And to be clear, my torso isn't the "body image" focus but rather my face. I do see them, but a part of my consciousness is devoted to focusing on their micro (and macro) reactions to me. This makes engaging and remembering the details of our conversation difficult. It's only when I feel good about myself that I am able to engage. And that's rare.
The medical name for this is called "Body Dysmorphic Disorder." I will delve into this topic and share my personal experiences on this blog.
Can you relate? How do you deal with your body image disorder?
No comments:
Post a Comment